so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
