but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
