he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
