my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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