My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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