Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
try to milk me bitch
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize