i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
