from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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