I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
