i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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