I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
