Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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