I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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