Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my being single is dangerous.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize