I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
