I wish I could punch you in the face.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize