Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
