This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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