I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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