What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
