Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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