I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
