I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
