I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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