I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
