Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
