I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
