last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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