Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize