Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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