I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
