I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
