I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
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