New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
