I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
