apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
