Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
