Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
