So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
