I cannot find my penis.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
