somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
