my sisters under your porch take her home
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Damn victory sex feels great
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
