Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize