i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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