i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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