my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
