I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
