I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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