he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
