Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
All I want is dick and wine.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
