My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It was confusing and full of hummus
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
