The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
