i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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