Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
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