You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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